Fuck, today was one of those try to juggle financial transactions days. This is going to be a very short week, as I have to give a talk at the Painting’s Edge conference in Idyllwild on Wednesday, then do studio visits there Thursday, then the holiday is Friday. I have to go look one more time at the Kitaj show tomorrow as i have been assigned writing a review of it.
After doing the financial thing – really phase-one of the financial thing, I had promised to take my nephew to a baseball game. I had taken his brother last month. So we get to Anaheim Stadium and two of my oldest friends (grade school, high school) are at the game too, so we all sat around yapping about being almost forty and my nephew probably learned a little more about life than he did about baseball (the game was pretty lame, the funniest thing that happened was a foul ball was ruled a homerun, than overruled by another umpire. The next foul ball that was hit was obviously foul but my nephew shouted HOMERUN with hilarious precision).
My nephew lives in the house I grew up in, so it was a weird drive back to the old neighborhood. It is SO fucking quiet there, suburbia, 10:30 p.m. on a Monday night, the streetlights seemed like candles it was so dark and empty and so, so, so 3-D fucking familiar.
After stopping by to say hello to my sister, I get back int he car and almost have a full-scale panic attack – something that occurred about weekly back when i was a drunk, daily for my first month of sobriety, monthly for the first two years of being off the juice, but has come on as intensely only four or five times in the past seven or so years.
Well, i fought this one off by laughing at the ludicrous proposition of the darkened silent streets of my childhood bringing on a sense of worthless futility and the simultaneous terror of inconsequentiality. Basically, I have too deep a sense of irony to let anything so deeply cliched bring me down. So I ended up feeling more powerful that i actually thwarted a panic attack. Wow!
So tomorrow is more magazine distribution and more financial distribution. I am less depressed when i am doing things, i wonder if that is why I procrastinate – to subconsciously avoid long bouts of depression by having furious days of getting many things done.